I Quit My Job

Ya Allah, please guide my mind and fingers as I seek to stay aligned with the path that has been laid before me and share exactly what has been placed in my heart to express with our people with no harm, no malice only my truth.

Ameen!

I worked for my past employer for close to 10 years and throughout the entire time I felt like it was a struggle to be seen. As a child I was taught to lead with great morals, integrity and work hard and the rest will come…and I waited.

I grew up there throughout my practicum as a licensed professional counselor associate and later gained my full licensure in addition to my supervisor status. I began as a qualified mental health provider at our clinic for higher-level acuity clients, later moved to our children’s unit, then to our counseling center. When funding was exhausted, I moved to our adult intake team and landed as Clinical Program Coordinator at intake/crisis.

Throughout all my time there I felt very skilled in my abilities to not only navigate all of our programs and any situation that arose that you could imagine working in the mental health field, build lasting relationships, uniquely connected to people and also continued to uphold my values and professionalism that have been instilled in me. I came to work on time, no reprimands, no direct complaints, maintained a record of great team cohesion within leadership, direct teams and with our clients…rarely did we as a team get any negative feedback in things that were within our control and as the front line team in hindsight that was a tremendous feat. We had barriers and every day we worked hard to break down walls that seems to auto spawn overnight... effortlessly and tirelessly on repeat.

This was what I felt like I was here for. I’ll never forget the day that I wrote this and after a brief interaction with a client, this helps to put things into perspective in how I showed up for work daily.

I wrote this on or around 04/21/2023:

[This morning while getting our clients in the lobby client asked me today, “are you always this happy?"

A few minutes after greeting the clients in our lobby, one of our clients stopped me while I was walking back to my office, “are you always this happy?” I almost did not realize that he was talking to me because I was taken aback by the question a bit.

I slowly turned around and said, “No”...friendly but firmly. I proceeded to tell him that I try to always look at the positive and that’s what gets me through.

He proceeded to ask me if it is the people that work here that get me down and I clarified that it is almost always something personal when I am unhappy and this place (referring to my job) is my sweet spot.

He shared a huge smile with me accompanied with a head nod and I went back into my office.

It was at that moment that I was reminded that happiness is a choice.

This past year has been one of the hardest years of my ENTIRE life. There was an extended period of drama with someone very close to me, I lost my sister, just yesterday I got some potentially devastating news that I’m chewing on, the gas got cut off just.this.morning because we thought it was on auto-pay, and never got any kind of notice and add a stupid reconnect fee to that and my acquaintances anxiety and depression kicked my ass at some point throughout it all.

Yeah, my ACE score is likely doubled.

But yet I CHOOSE to smile.

Let’s rewind a bit...I can recall when I was a child a classmate of mine asked me a similar question. “Why are you always so happy?” I had to be about 10 years old or so and I remember thinking of being ashamed of my smile for a while because she almost seemed disgusted that I was “happy.”

Of course, this moment passed but again I will never forget that moment and now I wonder what they were going through and I hope that things got better.

Today, I smile not because I am always happy, it is because I choose happiness because sadness is too heavy of a burden and I am not willing to risk losing to it. I smile because I have children that are thriving despite all odds, I smile because life has lessons and I’m getting schooled (I always thought I’d be a life-long student), I smile because every second I get the chance to make a difference in someone’s life and to spread my knowledge, I smile because I have every opportunity to improve my situation at any time and I know that I have choices.

Today I am thankful for my resilience and tenacity. My smile and my grace, my forgiving spirit that I cannot shake for the life of me no matter how hard I try. My eyes are fine-tuned to see beauty in most things and I’m thankful that I am me and I know that my purpose is beyond me, and I am humbled to carry the burden and honor. ]

A year after writing this, for the second time, I applied for a director position and I was not chosen. Still, I persisted. I felt a bit disappointed but not defeated. I continued in my understanding that I was here for a greater purpose more than any man can know even myself and still, I waited, until...

I remember the day when I finally felt it. I had been praying harder for me personally to continue to show up in a way that was pleasing to Allah despite the wounds and splinters that I accumulated there.

I stopped looking for handouts of compliments and I turned inward. I remember going into my newly appointed director’s office and she asked me about the shift and I explained what I was feeling and few weeks following we had a meeting with an upper mgmt. member about the challenges we were facing as a unit (it wasn't just me), how we felt as if our needs to function more fluidly and efficiently were not met, how things could be restructured to help, how we were stretched thin due to choices not to fill positions, seek additional funding for programs to operate at capacity, the many-many hats that we all were wearing to keep us afloat and at the end of that meeting. The closing response to the meeting was, “Please let me know if there is something that is not working.”

I left that meeting still low and yet still riding on the wings of Allah and his purpose for me. Shortly after this meeting, I began to see things for what they were and not for what I wanted this place to be. I thank Allah for slowing me down and helping me to truly see what I was missing through all the noise.

The place that I once called my sweet spot had been revealed to be the thorn in my side.

I put in my resignation 2 weeks and a day ago and the.weight.was.gone. There was a group celebration for myself and another staff who was promoting and I appreciated the thoughtfulness. People came to give their kind words and thoughts and we laughed, cried, hugged and shared some memories. Of my favorite things that was gifted were 2 hand written notes. 1 stating that “your presence here was thanks enough” and the other that said that I was the “best supervisor they had ever had.” May Allah bless us all!!

The day that I left was spent with my typical routine except I felt a little sadness. That morning I volunteered to show a couple of staff some news skills that she thought would advance her there in the future, I met with my mentor for the second leadership program that I completed while there and for the first time in a year or so, I even completed an intake assessment, a task that I was extra mindful to reserve for direct service time staff.

There was a lady who had mistakenly been sitting for hrs. in the lobby without assistance. Our CSR tried desperately to get her seen and no one was available. I had about 1.5 hrs. before my exit interview so I wrestled with should I volunteer or not and decided not to. But little did I know that Allah had other plans, my director reached out to me and I prepared to assist the client.

During this intake, I was reminded of why I was there and how I am beautifully me. This beautiful soul invited me on a ride through her life and as she poured out her heart and pains to me, together we re-molded her grief and trauma into laughter and gratitude, hope and resilience and we set a plan for her to be available as she wanted to show up for her family.

In that moment, I was reminded that as a child I was taught to lead with great morals, integrity and work hard and the rest will come…and it finally came Alhamdulillah. On my way out it came. Allah showed me in the unique way that only he can that the work has just begun and I had received my reward, the only reward that I ever needed for staying the course and ultimately trusting in him and his divine plan for me. I was reconnected to my joy.

Allah I thank you!!

"Indeed, those who have said, 'Our Lord is Allah' and then remained steadfast the angels will descend upon them, [saying], 'Do not fear and do not grieve but receive good tidings of Paradise, which you were promised.'"
[Qur'an 41:30]

"And those who are guided – He increases them in guidance and gives them their righteousness."
[Qur'an 47:17]